Most of us have heard the expression "Out of sight, out of mind", but for children with reactive attachment disorders this statement is particularly true. Because these kids have problems with feeling connected to others, when they are separated from those that love them they feel no link. They feel alone and in need in of protecting themselves.
In therapy with my boys, we used a tool called the magic cord of love. This cord connects you with your loved ones no matter how far apart you may be. The cord is of course invisible, but exists none the less in the hearts of the connected.
We talked a lot about the cord being able to stretch into the next room when they are just watching television or playing or as far as to our older son that lives in Austin, Texas. Being able to apply it to our other children helped the boys to understand better. We were able to tell them that it was like when son #3 was serving in Afghanistan and was across the ocean, he knew we all still loved him and we knew he loved us. We were still connected by that magic cord of love.
We let our boys imagine what their magic cord would look like: what color would it be, would it sparkle, change colors? T's cord would be blue he said and D decided his cord would be multi-colored and shimmer in the sun. These images were reinforced with EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). To help them remember, I braided friendship bracelets in the colors they had picked for their cord for each member of our family. That way they had a physical reminder of the cord whenever they were away from us.
While the cord doesn't contain any magical powers of healing in itself, it provides a great tool to help these kiddos remember that they are loved no matter where they are.
The monster mask, not to be confused with The Monster Mash, which is absolutely one of my favorite Halloween songs! Here's a link to a youtube video of the Groovy Ghoulies performing The Monster Mash (just because it makes me smile!)
Yes, I know Halloween is now past, but do your kids wear a monster mask on days other than Halloween? Mine do, but not nearly as often as they did. Some masks are very realistic and some are pretty creepy, but I am not sure that they are as frightening as the one a child who believes they are fighting for their life wears.
The Monster Suit
The terms monster mask and monster suit were used interchangeably by our previous therapist and our family to describe what occurs when a child feels their "safe zone" is threatened. Let me explain...
A child with reactive attachment disorder is absolutely certain in their own minds that they are the only ones that can protect themselves. Adults in their lives may have neglected or abused them. Others lied to them, and almost always they lost the connection to the adults that they had allowed themselves to bond with. This repeating cycle of loss and grief only serves to affirm that loving someone hurts.
Over time the kids adopt a primal belief that in order to protect themselves they must not at any cost allow themselves to love and count on any adults.
When my boys moved into our home they were well aware that we had been picked to be their forever family. We tried to shower them with affection. Wrong plan! The more we showed them love, the worse the behaviors would become. They would don their monster mask. The monster mask was used to try and frighten us away. If their behaviors were terrible, then they could try and end the relationship on their terms. The goal would be to be so naughty that they could get us to give up on them (which they are certain will occur) before they cared too much. Before it would hurt too bad.
We saw a lot of the monster mask at the beginning and then things eased some. Down the road however, we reached a point where the monster mask was worn again and it was even scarier this time. They had a reached a point where they were falling in love with us and beginning to trust us- and it scared the life out of them!
These are the masks my boys chose to wear this year. Kinda creepy (they pump blood down the face) but they are only for pretend and only for one night.
Is it forever?
I'm not saying that the boys are cured, that would be irresponsible of me as a parent of a special needs child. We still see traces of the monster mask when the boys are in trouble and being scolded. To them being angry equates "I don't love you". We're working on that and we are making huge strides. Both boys now believe after almost 6 years, tons of treatment, and time spent away from home at a residential facility, that they are here to stay and we will not give up on them.
