Middle School Dance

T's First 7th-8th Grade Dance

T had his first 7th-8th grade dance this past Friday night. He was SO excited! The dance was at 7pm and he called me (from a friend's phone, they don't have cell phones yet) at 3:30 from school to tell me he needed me to get a dress shirt and tie for him to wear with his khakis. I assured him we could do that when he got home. The frenzy had begun!

First thing after he arrived home on the bus (we live in a rural area), he rushed in and headed straight for the bathroom to put on extra deodorant and brush his teeth. My daughter and I watched this deviation from normal routine with chuckles of amusement. 

Next he asked his sister if she would help him pick out a shirt and tie, which she did with great seriousness for his benefit! 

This is my T ready to go!

The drive to the school was hilarious! The boy could not sit still, checking his hair (he has a buzz!) and his tie, sitting sideways in the seat, and moving his hands constantly. He was full of smiles and I was pretty certain I would need to peel him off the roof of the car by the time we arrived. He even asked me if I knew where the school was!

We talked about girls. The ones he hoped he got to dance with as well as the ones he hoped he wouldn't. Our middle school has a policy that if someone asks you to dance, you must say "yes". 

I made sure to repeat my guidelines to him at least twice during that 20 minute ride:

• Have fun
• Treat the girls respectfully
• Don't let anyone talk you into something that you know is wrong

None of this is probably any different than what was occurring in the homes of the other students attending the dance. But my thought processes were different.

The Difference

The difference from other families would be the thoughts that were swirling in my mind. While other parents were thinking that their children were growing up way to fast, I was thinking about the future concerns that would arise during this transition from child to teenager.

My son was not raised in a family that emulated normal male/female relationships. Remember, he was 7 years old when we adopted him. His early experiences of relationships were of disrespect, violence, and inappropriate exposure to sex. Had he absorbed enough "normalcy" by living in our home for the last 5 1/2 years?

The questions I ask myself are not those of a parent who has an average teen. Will my child ever be able to form a lasting relationship? Will he understand the need to respect the girls he dates? Can he understand that sex should be about love and a lasting commitment? Will he be able to handle the "break-ups" or will the loss of the relationship trigger past hurts?

Only time will tell and along with continuous support from us and his therapist, we will help guide him through these tumultuous teenage years.

Sequel

T came home from the dance still flying high on excitement. He was a self-proclaimed "chick magnet"! He got to dance with the girl he most wanted to and also danced with the girl he really hadn't wanted to. In his words, "She's not really that bad."

The Homework War

Homework. That is one of the most dreaded words in our home. It is a word that conjures images of screaming, crying, and destruction. This is not a phenomenon unique to children with attachment disorders by any means, but their tantrums are typically beyond the normal child that just doesn't want to do their homework.

Our Problem:

The boys have been back in our local school for 4 weeks now. Week one was fabulous! Oh, for the honeymoon days to last for the entirety of the years of academia! But, alas, one week is as good as we can get. Week two found T unable to accomplish his math work at school and feelings of being overwhelmed brought the all too familiar homework war to the homefront once again.

Mom, I need help!  

T can do better at homework if I, or someone, reads and details each question to him. Most of the time he does not even want to read the question for himself. I think it is even just the perception of it being easier/faster if someone else is helping. I know he hates the fact that it takes him a long time to complete his work and with that comes the realization that time spent outside becomes a rarer commodity. Halfway through week two, we had the first meltdown since the boys had returned home. Crying and screaming- a indescribable shrill scream making me envision the Irish banshees of lore, with a new scream each time I would attempt to talk to him. Accompanying this was a few punches to the sofa, which I understand is a coping skill they were taught in residential. So okay, deep breath as he beats up my furniture.

Finally, I stopped talking and let me tell you that is a major feat for me! And we sat in the living room in silence until calm ensued. After week two, I worked with the school and our great resource teacher and it was decided to take T out a reading workshop class and give him a study hall. Since he has been in study hall, he gets his work done almost everyday and the few days he has math to do, he is able to accomplish it without problem. My feelings are that it is less overwhelming to have homework only sporadically.

Effort vs. Ability

D on the other hand does his homework, but whether lack of ability or lack of motivation, achieves "F"s on his assignments. The teacher has encouraged the students to do their own work without parents checking the lesson. Then if they get less than 50%, they are able to do corrections for full credit. D is in an advanced math program and it is impossible to find out exactly what the truth is about the problem. He may not truly understand the higher level of math, but won't admit it due to pride. Or he just doesn't want to do the work because it's hard and takes time. Perhaps it is a combination of both.

Last week I spoke with the principal at the middle school and suggested putting D in the lower math class. Daily failing grades will continue to set him up for failure. Even if he is capable (he did struggle last year also), it not harm him to be in the lower class. Moving him will not decrease the amount of homework he will have, so he won't be skipping out of work. The most important thing to remember is that even though he is very smart, D is still a special needs student and it may not be the math itself causing problems for him, but the emotional baggage he carries.

The thing I am learning most is that following traditional rules for special needs students is just not always in their best interests. My children are not average, they are special. Thus they must be treated as such.